There’s So Much in My Head

I’m at a spot in my life where I have so much going on in my head and heart that I’m terrified to look inside. The thought of sitting down to reflect on my own, in a blog post or with my trusted therapist scare me. I know if I open the box, I can’t close it.

I feel that if I dive into what is troubling me, I’ll cry and never be able to stop. So instead I keep pushing it down, sweeping it under the rug. Right now the pile under this imaginary rug is the size of both of my cats.

I can’t bare to face reality or the truth I keep tucked away in my heart. It’s much too painful for me to come to terms with.

I want to talk to my therapist about it but I don’t have the strength. Every day I consider making an appointment but I can’t. This is the first time that i am having trouble opening up to my therapist. She has seen me at my worst, seen me cry countless times.

But what’s making me sad, I can’t speak it. Because if I say it that makes it real, it makes it true.

I’m not ready for the truth. I just want to live in my comfort zone for a while longer. I’m not ready to give it up.

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So You Know Part 2

I know I just posted one of these yesterday but a new So You Know came out by Revenge of Eve! Check out the one from Mental Health @ Home too if you like these sorta posts!

1. Do you see a therapist? If so, how does doing so influence your life?
2. What is your favorite part of adulthood? Your least favorite (besides bills)?
3. Are the government officials of your country trustworthy?
4. How important, scale of 1-10, are leprechauns in the evolution of humans? 1-of least importance 10-required

Let’s go!

1. Yes, I’ve seen a therapist since September 2016 when I hit rock bottom. It has had the best and biggest influence on my life. Without my therapist there is a chance that I wouldn’t be here anymore. She has encouraged me, listened to me, helped me see situations from a different perspective and helped me to cope with my mental illness. With her help, I have been able to go from seeing her twice a week when I started to now going once a month. She is one of the most important people in my life.

2. My favorite part of adulthood is not having to do homework anymore. I loved learning in school but I totally hated doing homework, essays and projects. My least favorite part is that I still live with my mom and don’t have the independence I want.

3. Absolutely not. In America every politicians’ views are fueled by whoever is paying them off. I don’t believe most of them have compassion for regular people because their focus is on money and power. Why do you think many politicians “don’t believe” in climate change? Because they get money from oil and gas companies. Why have there been no dramatic changes in our gun laws? The NRA gives politicians millions to stand by their message.

4. I have never had this thought in my life.

When Will It Stop?

I am in this state where it seems that anxiety and depression are reaching their claws around my mind in a slow and dramatic fashion. Each day it all seems to be getting worse.

The negative thoughts, the inescapable self doubt and physical strain on my body is becoming more frequent. I’m getting to the point where I feel that I’m going to have a depressive episode to kick off 2019.

Who doesn’t love those? -_-

I am a professional ruminator. By that I mean during my low points I have the same few thoughts on repeat. Right now those thoughts are starting.

I’m reading so deeply into every single word and action of the people around me. I am reading everything as signs that they don’t really want to be speaking to me. That they wish I would go away and leave them the hell alone.

I keep thinking that they are sick of me being around. That they wish they never began speaking to me in the first place! That they wish they never started a relationship or friendship with me.

My therapist told me yesterday that just because I have a thought, doesn’t necessarily make it true. She said, “Pretend these thoughts are leaves flowing down a stream. Watch them pass by, don’t pick them up and hold on to them.”

My reply to that was, “I can’t not pick them up! I have a little basket and I collect those leaves. ”

Do you, my beautiful readers, ever feel this way? What do you do to stop ruminating thoughts? Leave me a comment and let me know!

My Therapist Made Me Cry

Don’t worry this is a good story!

This morning I had my monthly session with my therapist where we talked about my recent anxieties and how things have been going in general.

I’ve seen her for a little over 2 years and each Christmas I give her a present. I made her granola last year that she absolutely loved so I gave her a big jar of it this year! Plus a little belt thing for when she takes a run.

(Here’s the recipe if you want it.)

She then said, “Megan I got you something too.” Since she has so many clients she typically doesn’t give them all gifts. This year she gave me something, a bunch of cookies.

She said, “You have come so far this year that I wanted to get you something.”

I’m crying as I’m writing this, I am still so overwhelmed by her words and gesture. My eyes were like faucets, I immediately started crying after she told me that.

I recently had been trying to think of some good things that happened this year but the bad things were so much bigger in my mind. I kept thinking of broken friendships, fights, depressive episodes, car accidents and feeling like shit.

She opened my eyes to see that I really have come a long way in my mental health journey. I am doing so much better than I was at the beginning of the year.

I feel that I have accomplished so much more than I realized thanks to that gift and her encouraging words.

When I get off work I will more than likely go home and happy cry about these cookies.

I will do a post soon about the progress I have made this year in my mental health and another about some goals that I will set for myself for 2019.