I’m at a spot in my life where I have so much going on in my head and heart that I’m terrified to look inside. The thought of sitting down to reflect on my own, in a blog post or with my trusted therapist scare me. I know if I open the box, I can’t close it.
I feel that if I dive into what is troubling me, I’ll cry and never be able to stop. So instead I keep pushing it down, sweeping it under the rug. Right now the pile under this imaginary rug is the size of both of my cats.
I can’t bare to face reality or the truth I keep tucked away in my heart. It’s much too painful for me to come to terms with.
I want to talk to my therapist about it but I don’t have the strength. Every day I consider making an appointment but I can’t. This is the first time that i am having trouble opening up to my therapist. She has seen me at my worst, seen me cry countless times.
But what’s making me sad, I can’t speak it. Because if I say it that makes it real, it makes it true.
I’m not ready for the truth. I just want to live in my comfort zone for a while longer. I’m not ready to give it up.