Why Does Productivity = Self Worth?

I had a little meltdown tonight. There were no tears or shouting but my thoughts were speeding down an icy road ready to slip off a cliff.

I have been feeling so lazy lately. I just don’t feel like putting the effort towards much. Today I ran the dishwasher because, you know,  I ran out of forks. The dishes are still sitting in there as I type this.

I feel guilty that I am not keeping a pristine house. I feel like a whale because I haven’t been making healthy food.

The recycling center is closed so there’s a mountain of recyclables on my side porch. I was supposed to put them in the basement. Have I done that yet? Nope.

These dumb chores taunt me. They tell me I am lazy and because I am lazy, I suck.

Yes, the plastic bottles tell me I suck! What is quarantine doing to me?

Why does productivity change the value we see in ourselves? I’m really not sure what the answer is so please leave me a comment if you have an answer!

Is it the drive of perfectionism?

Is it the expectations people have put on us whether it be past or present?

Since I have been feeling like shit, my therapist in the past has had me say some positive things to change my mindset.

3 things going well:
– I spoke with 3 clients on the phone for work even though I was really nervous about it
– It’s snowing outside and I like snow (does this count? I say it does)
– With the stimulus check from the government I am able to save money I wouldn’t have had otherwise

3 things I can do to make myself content/okay/happy this weekend:
– Enjoy the snow while it’s here
– Take time to read
– Do my makeup

3 things to remind myself:
– Your value is not in the number of dust particles you clean up
– You are important to your cats and dog
– It’s okay

Sending positive vibes your way!

Advertisement

A Tightness in my Chest

It has been week number something since I’ve been working at home, it’s really not that bad. Since I am not interacting with any of my coworkers in-person, I have had fewer social dilemmas which has been nice. And by social dilemmas I mean asking myself whether I should talk to somebody or if they expect me to have a conversation with them. #socialanxiety

But during my time at home, I have been frequently having this tightness in my chest. Not like I’m having an asthma or panic attack, but like all of the anxiety in my body is tensing up in my chest. I’ve had this happen in the past, it’s just become more frequent.

The only thing that seems to help is doing deep breathing exercises. Sometimes I will go out on my porch to do this. It’s still chilly where I live so I enjoy the cool air, it’s refreshing.

It can be stressful for me to be existing, working, attempting productivity for once in my life then I get the stress in my chest. I feel like it takes many minutes to finally relax so I feel like it’s taking away from my time doing other things.

How do I prevent this from happening? I have been doing yoga nearly every morning this month so it’s not that, hahaha. I feel everybody says, “meditate, do yoga” to fix stress. They are not the cure for everything.

My life isn’t all that stressful and my mental health has been decent this week so I’m not sure what is going on. I’m going to try to have breathing breaks each hour to see if that is helpful.

Do you feel your anxiety in your body?

How Can I Handle These Emotions?

As I’ve written about in my last few posts (here and here), I have been extra emotional over the past few weeks. Today I hit my breaking point.

These are the days I am so incredibly thankful to be working from home. Having meltdown days at work makes overcoming the day feel impossible. I usually feel like I have to blink a hundred times a second to hold back the tears that are impatiently waiting to fall from the corners of my eyes.

My emotions have been building up to this point. It has been strokes of bad luck and mistakes on top of  mental illness, periods, a full moon and COVID-19.

Yesterday I broke my second French press in less than a year. It completely shattered on the floor, I felt so defeated. I had already been feeling depressed and frustrated so having my French press shatter started my day off on a sour note.

I had a bad night sleep last night because my dog was scared of a thunderstorm which was then accompanied by feeling like a fool at work. A new project was announced today, to start a podcast which is something I was originally asked to do. Months ago I had been excited about the possibility of it but voiced concern about not having the recording space or equipment to record on so I didn’t move forward with it.

Hearing today that my coworker at the branch office is starting the agency podcast made me feel strange. I questioned myself over and over, asking, “did I slip up?,” “was I supposed to be working on this all along?,” “did I let my boss down? is she disappointed with my inaction?” and “am I a total fuck up?”

What broke me was the announcement that Bernie Sanders was dropping out of the race for president. I have been a supporter of his since 2016 so seeing him throw in the towel was the last thing I needed to hear this week.

While reading his announcement, I started crying and crying. Not solely because of him dropping out but everything that had happened recently.

After I clocked out I ate a lot of ice cream, watched “Catfish” on Hulu and took my dog for a walk. I am feeling calmer now so let’s hope it stays this way for a moment.

Feeling a Mess

If you read my recent post I’m Cranky, the too long didn’t read version of this post is: I’m still cranky.

Being so cranky that I annoy myself is me at my worst right now. Some days I am totally fine while others, I am one clumsy move away from flipping the fuck out. Today was one of those days.

I am at a trifecta of bullshit at this very moment. There’s a full moon this week, I’m about to start my period and the quarantine situation isn’t getting any better. All of these things are making every small thing a trigger.

Stress and anxiety are boiling under my skin so rapidly that it’s palpable. This has made me be rude to my mom (on her birthday too!), snap at my dog and give everyone at the grocery store the stink eye. Ok that last thing I don’t regret so much.

It’s small stupid shit that is setting me off.

Today my body was tired because I have been exercising more frequently than in my normal life. I skipped my morning yoga and wasn’t going to take my dog on a walk due to my fatigue.

She loves her walks so much that she wants me to take her every day. I’m happy that she enjoys them and is getting the exercise she needs but sometimes I don’t want to go.

She was bugging me all afternoon to take her. Nothing would satiate her desire! I snapped at her saying, “Fine! We’ll go on a walk! Happy?” I bitterly took her out even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

The walk was fine, she was happy so that’s what is important.

I have always had trouble keeping my anger in check so right now I feel out of control. I hate feeling like I will flip at the drop of a hat.

Does your anxiety translate into anger? If so, how do you cope?

Why am I enjoying this?

My introverted self who prefers to self-isolate in general is enjoying quarantine. It scares me a bit though. Shouldn’t I be miserable or something?

Yesterday I asked my boss about whether everyone would be heading back to the office next week since many of us were working from home for the last two weeks. She said staff can go back on Monday and she asked if I wanted to return.

My heart sank. My brain screamed, “I’m not ready to go back!!”

Thankfully with this boss I feel comfortable being honest with her. I told her for the time being I would like to keep working from home since there isn’t anything at the office I need. Which is true, everything I need to work is on my work computer.

She said it was fine which made me glad!

But what was alarming to me was my immediate fear that I would have to return to the office. It’s not that I dislike my coworkers or my job, it’s the social anxiety that continues to plague me. I thought I was doing pretty well socially at work before I began working from home. Now I’m back to square one.

I have really been enjoying the time I am able to take for self care each morning. I get up usually feeling well rested then choose to either read, write, learn or exercise. Beginning the day in a positive way has been great! It’s usually the best part of my day.

I don’t get up dreading the day because I know that I have something I enjoy waiting for me when I get out of bed.

Should I not be so content about being locked up at home? Is this normal? I really don’t know but making the best of any situation always seem like a good option.

I’m Suppose to Have Goals?

On Thursday I spoke on the phone with a financial advisor to discuss, you know, finances. They asked me all sorts of questions about how I spend my money, if I have savings/IRAs/stocks/properties/etc. and what goals I have for the future.

Almost every time they asked a question about the future I said, “That’s a great questions, Christy. I honestly have no idea though.”

She asked questions about what my 3-5 year plans are and what I hope to achieve in 10 plus years. I was dumbfounded. I wracked my brain and had absolutely nothing to share with her but vague answers.

Of course I want to have enough money saved to live off of when I’m ready to retire. Of course I want to help support my parents when they get old. But beyond those basics, I have no idea what my life will look like or what I want out of this life.

In high school and college I could give you my plan. I would tell you the details, how many cats I would have and where I would be living and working.

Today I can’t tell you what I think the rest of 2020 will be like for me so how am I supposed to have an idea about the future?

I get really anxious that I don’t have a map for my life set out. I feel like I am behind, that I am failing because of this. But whenever I sit down to think about it, I still have no fucking clue what I want!

My career journey hasn’t been what I planned so I don’t know what I want to ultimately do anymore. I still live in my hometown which is something I never foresaw for myself. I always thought I would move away right after graduating university but that didn’t happen because of student debt.

Does the future overwhelm you like it does me? How do you set future goals for yourself and not get super anxious?

I’m Alright!

I want to check-in briefly before I head to bed to let you all know that I am ok. I didn’t hurt myself this weekend. Yay!!

Thank you so so so so much to everyone who left encouraging and positive comments on my last post. It seriously means so much to me that there are wonderful people cheering me on during my difficult times.

Like many of us with mental illness have learned, distracting ourselves can be the most helpful. I tried my best to keep busy but there were moments when I had to lay down. I ran out of energy.

I see my therapist tomorrow, we have a lot to discuss.

What has kept me in a neutral state is positive music. I have had BTS (a popular k-pop idol group) on repeat for days now. Do I know what they’re singing in their songs? No but they lift my spirits which is all that matters.

I hope that you are all doing alright!! Leave me a comment letting me know how you’re doing with your mental health. Also if you’re into BTS or K-Pop in general, what are your favorites songs or groups?

Hurting Myself

** This post is about self harm! If this post may trigger you, please skip this one. **

Most days my depression is concocting ways that I can hurt myself without resorting to cutting. Recently I can’t get those thoughts out of my head.

Yesterday I almost caved. I unintentionally distracted myself by cooking and watching YouTube so that worked out. But today I can’t shake the desire to hurt myself.

This past week I forced myself to eat shitty food because I know I shouldn’t. So. Much. Ice cream. Beyond that I have thought about doing things to myself that make me feel like I’m absolutely fucking insane.

Today I can’t stop thinking about drinking myself into a state tonight. I don’t even like drinking very much and getting drunk isn’t something I enjoy either. It usually makes me feel uncomfortable. But today the thought of drowning my destructive thoughts in a destructive way sounds great.

Would these thoughts ease up if I gave in to my desire to cut? Or would they get worse? Is it worth throwing away my clean streak of almost 2 years to find a few moments of relief?

Don’t worry, I’m seeing my therapist on Wednesday.

Facing Failure

When your fears become a reality it’s scary. My stomach drops and I want to crawl under my desk to hide.

I started a new initiative at work that I was excited about. My boss was excited too. I spoke to all of the parties who would be involved with the initiative before the launch so everyone was on the same page.

The day came and everyone was blind sided somehow. I come in to emails that they are confused and frustrated even though I told everyone the launch date and they were to work shit out themselves.

Now it is on pause. I’m still the newbie at work so I feel like an idiot. I feel stupid for trying to do something innovative.

I can only blame myself for my failure. I clearly missed the mark on communication.

Having my worries realized feels like a win for my anxiety. I can already hear it saying, “of course you failed” and “now nobody is going to want to work with you again. They already don’t like you and now they have another reason why the think you’re shit.”

Is it 5 o’clock yet?

Is it ok to walk around the office with a paper bag over my head?

Fear of Failing

I have begun a massive project at work which is good for me but also giving me boat loads of anxiety.

I have been kinda bored at work because I don’t have any pressure put on me or any deadlines to meet. I’m a journalist by trade so I will probably forever have the mentality of a reporter even though I’m sadly not in that line of work right now.

My supervisor asked me in December to look into online scheduling for a testing service we provide for the community. There are 2 offices, the one I’m at has a full staff and space to do the testing. The other one is small and doesn’t have many staff members to carry the work load.

So I diligently did my work and found a great fit for the organization. But now that the wheels are in motion to make this a real thing, my anxiety is clawing at my insides.

Staff at the second office voiced concerns that made me doubt myself even though they were legit questions. I felt nervous and attacked even though that wasn’t the case at all.

Nobody enjoys failure but I am terrified of falling flat on my ass in front of all my coworkers. My boss sought me out to work here, I would hate to disappoint her by failing at my first big project.

I’m worried about every little bump in the road that could derail everything.

Yes, failing in life is part of life but I have always been afraid of it. If I fail, it confirms that I’m not good enough. It fuels my depression and anxiety.

Are you afraid of failure? How do you cope if you do fail?