Feeling a Mess

If you read my recent post I’m Cranky, the too long didn’t read version of this post is: I’m still cranky.

Being so cranky that I annoy myself is me at my worst right now. Some days I am totally fine while others, I am one clumsy move away from flipping the fuck out. Today was one of those days.

I am at a trifecta of bullshit at this very moment. There’s a full moon this week, I’m about to start my period and the quarantine situation isn’t getting any better. All of these things are making every small thing a trigger.

Stress and anxiety are boiling under my skin so rapidly that it’s palpable. This has made me be rude to my mom (on her birthday too!), snap at my dog and give everyone at the grocery store the stink eye. Ok that last thing I don’t regret so much.

It’s small stupid shit that is setting me off.

Today my body was tired because I have been exercising more frequently than in my normal life. I skipped my morning yoga and wasn’t going to take my dog on a walk due to my fatigue.

She loves her walks so much that she wants me to take her every day. I’m happy that she enjoys them and is getting the exercise she needs but sometimes I don’t want to go.

She was bugging me all afternoon to take her. Nothing would satiate her desire! I snapped at her saying, “Fine! We’ll go on a walk! Happy?” I bitterly took her out even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

The walk was fine, she was happy so that’s what is important.

I have always had trouble keeping my anger in check so right now I feel out of control. I hate feeling like I will flip at the drop of a hat.

Does your anxiety translate into anger? If so, how do you cope?

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I’m Cranky

I have been feeling extra cranky, I’m not sure if it’s because of the quarantine or because I’m going to have my period soonish. Whichever the reason, my patience is thin.

Any small issue I get instantly annoyed. I came back from the grocery store and was drying off my dog after she went out into the yard in the rain. As I ran the towel over her head I sensed myself being irritated for no reason.

I said to her, “I’m feeling cranky and it’s only 10:30 a.m.”

Even writing this post I am feeling tired, angry and want to sleep so I don’t have to deal with myself.

I hate being cranky, my own crankiness annoys me which makes me more cranky. It’s a real cycle that I hate.

To nip this in the butt I am going to be easy on myself today. I won’t expect myself to do a hundred tasks, clean the house top to bottom or anything like that. I am going to care for myself so this doesn’t get worse.

Bursting at the Seams

I’m on the verge of tears.
I want to scream.
I want to punch a punching bag until I wear myself out.
I want to lay in bed until the afternoon.

All for no real reason.

I’ve been working from home for exactly one week now so I don’t see many people anymore. Which is the case for most people across the globe. Naturally I rarely go out except to get food or go to the grocery store.

My mom calls me, I text my brother and a few friends but that’s about it.

I had been doing alright up until yesterday when I was bursting at the seams. I was about to lose it especially after I dragged all of my recycling to the recycling center to find it was closed! They took all the bins away!!

While I was working I texted my brother, “I’m so cranky I can’t even handle myself.”

It’s depression, it’s anxiety, it’s a longing to have life as it once was which I’m sure this is a worldwide feeling. I am not the only one feeling this.

My mental state was in good shape up until yesterday. I honestly thought I could handle this situation. I thought that I could be happy staying in my home with my boyfriend (when he’s not in work), pets, food and internet access.

I have been doing things that I enjoy first thing in the morning like exercising, reading, writing and learning. Maybe it’s not enough, maybe I need more.

How are you coping? Are you cracking or keeping yourself together?

 

Chronic Pain and Mental Health

Since May I have been dealing with lower back pain. At the beginning it was severe and prevented me from functioning normally.

A couple weeks ago I finished up my sessions with my chiropractor (my insurance has run out and I don’t have any more visits left) I was feeling awesome. Literally the next day I was in pain. The pain continues to get worse and it is incredibly frustrating.

I don’t want to go back to the chiropractor, with weekly visits the money really adds up. Sadly it is a luxury to try and receive the medical care that I need.

It makes me so frustrated that I have to live with this chronic pain. I can’t live my life to the fullest because of my back pain. I can’t exercise to the level I desire. Cleaning my bath tub makes the pain so uncomfortable that I end up neglecting it for ages because I don’t want to be in anymore pain. Even going to work and sitting in meetings is painful.

My depression tells me that this pain will be forever. That I will always have to deal with this struggle and not be able to function at full capacity ever again. I won’t ever get to live a pain free life because my body decided to revolt against me.

I’m starting to believe my depression. It’s been months and I have been going up and down with my pain. I want it to stop, I want to move on from this and be happy.

But maybe that’s all just a fantasy.

So Cranky

I haven’t been sleeping well which I think is the cause of my crankiness. I have been snapping at my family and getting frustrated easily over these last couple weeks.

On Sunday I kept arguing with my brother for no reason. I would pick a fight over nothing at all. As it was happening I asked, “Why am I arguing about this?”

Yesterday I was picking up food to serve at my work’s day camp. Everybody at the store took forever to help me so it took me longer than I wanted it to. I saw the clock and flipped out to myself because I was worried the kids wouldn’t get lunch in time.

But when I got back to work, the kids weren’t even ready for lunch. They were still doing their activity. So I got all worked up and angry for no reason.

I spoke to my therapist about it and she said it could be lack of sleep or it could depression/anxiety. I have been having spurts of depression and anxiety lately but nothing serious.

I struggled with my anger as a kid and teenager. It feels like that but not nearly as intense.

Do you struggle with your anger? Do you have any coping mechanisms that help you stay in control?