Sorry I’ve Been Absent

Hey everyone! I’m sorry I’ve been absent for so many weeks now. There has been so much going on in my life that has left me struggling to make it through the day.

The bullshit going on in my life I don’t have the courage to share with you. It is something out of my control but directly effects me.

I can’t seem to catch a break. It’s stupid situation after annoying accident and painful experience after another.

I’ve been leaning solely on my therapist because I don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone else about what’s going on. So I let my anxious mind run free to worry. I worry about the present and a lot about the future too.

The uncertainty of the future is terrifying to me. The worries bounce around in my brain nonstop.

Because of my depression and anxiety, I have wanted to self harm. I want all of this stress, anxiety and pain to end but at this point I see no end.

No matter what happens there is an inevitable ending where I am left alone in a pit of despair.

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Awkward in my Skin

As I’ve mentioned in my last few posts, I’ve been struggling with stress, anxiety and emotional eating. I sense that it is all about to peak if I don’t sort myself out.

At work I cannot focus on anything but wanting to leave and eating. I am struggling to keep my mind occupied with my work because the thoughts of stress and food become overbearing.

I have been feeling a tightness in my chest for most of the week and find it difficult to relax. No matter how many deep breaths I take, the tightness always returns.

As for the stress eating, it’s taking such a tole on every aspect of my being. Mentally I am beating myself up about it because I know better than to act this way. My skin looks awful from all the crap I’ve been eating. I am so bloated and feel so fat that I don’t even want to take off my clothes to shower.

I feel awful all around.

But I don’t know how to reset. I don’t know how to get myself back to feeling calm (ish) and eating normally again.

It’s a cycle.

The anxiety and stress constrict me then I eat to make myself feel better. Then I feel guilty about all that I ate so I feel stressed about it and it starts all over again.

Does anyone have tips to manage stress/emotional/binge eating? I could really use some solid advice.

So You Know Part 2

I know I just posted one of these yesterday but a new So You Know came out by Revenge of Eve! Check out the one from Mental Health @ Home too if you like these sorta posts!

1. Do you see a therapist? If so, how does doing so influence your life?
2. What is your favorite part of adulthood? Your least favorite (besides bills)?
3. Are the government officials of your country trustworthy?
4. How important, scale of 1-10, are leprechauns in the evolution of humans? 1-of least importance 10-required

Let’s go!

1. Yes, I’ve seen a therapist since September 2016 when I hit rock bottom. It has had the best and biggest influence on my life. Without my therapist there is a chance that I wouldn’t be here anymore. She has encouraged me, listened to me, helped me see situations from a different perspective and helped me to cope with my mental illness. With her help, I have been able to go from seeing her twice a week when I started to now going once a month. She is one of the most important people in my life.

2. My favorite part of adulthood is not having to do homework anymore. I loved learning in school but I totally hated doing homework, essays and projects. My least favorite part is that I still live with my mom and don’t have the independence I want.

3. Absolutely not. In America every politicians’ views are fueled by whoever is paying them off. I don’t believe most of them have compassion for regular people because their focus is on money and power. Why do you think many politicians “don’t believe” in climate change? Because they get money from oil and gas companies. Why have there been no dramatic changes in our gun laws? The NRA gives politicians millions to stand by their message.

4. I have never had this thought in my life.

So You Know (SYK)

I love doing these So You Know things! As I’ve said before, it makes me feel like I’m doing a post on the bulletin board on MySpace. Oh the nostalgia!

If you like these, check out ones from two of my favorite bloggers autumnskiesblog and Mental Health @ Home.

• How was your weekend? Honestly.
• Describe the clothes you are wearing now. Is this your normal Monday attire?
• Do you work a 9-5 job?
• Who do you look like, your Ma or your dad?

1. This weekend was alright. I volunteered at a cat cafe, no humans were there so I spent time petting and playing with the cats. My goal was to be more social through this volunteering but that hasn’t happened yet. I also picked my bridesmaids dress for my brother’s wedding. I was a bit nervous about trying on dresses because I gained some weight which has been a struggle all my life. But everything was fine!

   My family has been irritating and it’s quite draining mentally.

2. I am working so my usual work attire consists of black trousers, a nice top and boots. It’s pretty damn cold today so I chose long sleeves.
3. Technically I work 8-4 but yes. I used to have a job where the hours weren’t always consistent so I like the routine of the same schedule every day.
4. I look like both my of parents but I think a little more like my dad in the face. I have his nose and head shape while I have my mom’s eyes and hair.

That’s it! I hope you are all having a survivable Monday!

 

So You Know (SYK)

So You Know (S.Y.K.) was created by Revenge of Eve. I always read the ones from Ashley from Mental Health @ Home so check her’s out too! If you’re interested in participating, here are the guidelines:

• here are no right or wrong answers… Your answers = Your opinion = Your life
• Answer a few or one, whatever you are comfortable with
• Pingback to any S.Y.K. post
• Use the hashtag #SYK to tag your post
• Be real. If you feel a certain type of way, say it. You were asked your opinion.

This week’s questions are:

• As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not
• If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?
• What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.
• Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?
• What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?

1. As a parent do you feel safe leaving the world in your children hands? Explain why or why not.

Don’t have kids but I have three cousins in that range from mid-teens to nearly 20. I think one of them has a really good head on her shoulders so I think she will contribute positively to this world.

2. If you are child-free, do you feel we (humans) are heading in the right direction, as a whole?

I see a lot of things going in the wrong direction. The rise in white extremism, the deterioration of our planet, the lack of progress in equal rights and factory farming really weigh on my heart.

3. What do you consider the biggest difference in your generation and your parents generation? Compare the two using a positive impact and its negative effects.

I’m a millennial and my mom and dad are baby boomers. I think one of the biggest differences are the opportunities available (this is positive and negative). My mom was able to get a career that paid her well enough to live on her own plus have a cat! On the other hand, my college experience has left me in thousands of dollars of debt which has stifled me in many ways. I still live with my mom because I don’t make enough money to pay my loans plus a monthly rent.

But on the positive side, there are many more opportunities for people today than there were when my parents were in their mid-20s.

4. Do you feel like an old soul? Or a youngster? Why?

I feel somewhere in the middle. I don’t always understand the Instagram-centered life or why children today are so focused on making the next viral video or meme. I often long for simpler times with flip phones and MySpace. Yet I still feel relatively young.

5. What era would you chose to live in if given the chance?

This reminds me of a scene on “The Office” where Erin asks Michael when in history he would want to be a teenager. I think it would have been awesome to have my teen years go through the late 80s into the 90s.

2018 Mental Health Accomplishments

I have come a long way in 2018 in my mental health. Certainly I have my horrible days where I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to focus at work and I use everything in my mental health emergency kit.

*Please don’t take this as some sort of bragging post especially if you have had an extra shit year.*

Thanks to my therapist affirming me, I feel like I can celebrate these moments.

1. Fewer Therapist Sessions — At the beginning of 2018, I saw my therapist once a week. As I continued to feel better, I went down to every other week for a good part of the year. Now I’m seeing her once a month which helps me stay on track and work through whatever is plaguing my mind.

2. Decreased Cutting — It’s been around 300 days since I last cut myself. This is something I have struggled with since 2011. I have done so good, I’m shocked. Sure I have had desires to hurt myself but I haven’t acted on them. It was difficult in the beginning but I hope I can keep this up. I haven’t gone longer than almost a year between cutting myself. Here are some tips about how to curb those urges.

3. Improved Mood — My mood has been pretty consistently good for the past couple months. I’m actually feeling pretty happy! Not every day is perfect, the other morning I struggled to get out of bed and some days anxiety doesn’t lose its grip. Feeling good has helped me realize that it is possible to take a breath above the rough of mental illness.

4. Very Few Anxiety Attacks — I always carry my bottle of Larazapam with me, it’s a medicine that calms me down when I’m having intense anxiety that I can’t shake. This year I think I have only had two anxiety attacks which is pretty good!

5. Decreased Suicidal Thoughts — 2018 is the first year since 2016 that my suicidal thoughts have not completely controlled my mind. I do sometimes have those thoughts but they are few and far between.

I think that’s all that I’ve accomplished. I have started writing this blog which has really helped me out in expressing myself and also relating to others who also have mental health problems.

I hope the last few days of 2018 are halfway decent for you! Stay strong, my readers!!

Feeling Friendless

Mental illness can sometimes make me feel so terribly alone. One phrase my mind has told me since I was a little girl is, “nobody likes you.” Some days I believe this more than others, today is one of those days where I look around and I feel friendless.

What has recently made me feel this way is that I want to go to a concert to see Ariana Grande in the spring. You guys know how much I love her. I named this damn blog after her! I haven’t been able to find anybody to go with me in my small pool of options. There’s nobody I would want to spend all of those hours with traveling to the venue, attending the concert then spending the night in an Air BNB with except for my boyfriend. Also the couple people I’ve asked have all said no.

Reflecting on my college experience makes me feel 50 times worse. In college I had a lot of friends I felt I could count on and whom I loved spending my time with. Halfway through school I got new friend groups thanks to my experiences in Philadelphia and England. I struggled a lot back then with feeling lonely even though sometimes I was completely surrounded by friends.

Those friends now fall into two categories: we drifted apart/do not speak or they live somewhere else on this planet and I never see them but stay in touch through texting and social media. The couple friends I have in my life are all surface friends. We don’t know one another well or anything like that. I enjoy spending time chatting over food or casually out in public or a party but spending days together is not ideal.

I bought tickets to the concert anyway because going, even if it’s by myself, is something I want to do and shouldn’t feel like I can’t do what I want because I don’t have any close friends.

Not Everyone Understands

It’s frustrating when someone who you trust does not understand what it’s like living with a mental illness. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has family members and friends who couldn’t/wouldn’t comprehend what it is like to live each day mentally exhausted.

During my lowest point I confided in one of my best friends from college who I thought I could tell anything to. I thought she would be able to encourage and help me through this difficult time.

I was totally wrong.

I told her about how I started self harming again, how severely depressed and anxious I was and that I was considering taking my own life. I bore my soul to her but I did not get the love I was hoping for. She did not listen when I spoke. She continued to tell me about her short term experience with anxiety four years ago instead of shutting up and being there for me.

Time and time again she would not attempt to listen or understand where I was coming from. So I stopped telling her about my mental health struggles and she never asked about them again.

I told another friend about how severe my depression was and he asked, “Can’t you just go in the woods and meditate?” Uh, no.

I confided in my brother because I needed to tell someone who could take me to an in-patient mental health facility if my suicidal thoughts took me to that point. He could not understand why I would want to kill myself. “Megan, you have so much going for you. There are people out there who are really struggling.” He could not understand.

My mom had seen me so horribly depressed and she did not grasp how I could lay in bed for hours every single day. “Are you depressed every day?” she asked me. “Yes,” I said. She was amazed that that was possible.

It can be so freaking frustrating to have people around you who love you but don’t understand your situation. They may not want to help because they’re afraid of messing up or they don’t know how to help. For me, all of the negative interactions made me feel more alone. It made me feel like “the other,” that I was a freak.

If you feel like a freak and alone, you’re not a freak and you’re not alone. There’s an entire mental health community online that understands and has been in your shoes. Across the globe there are countless individuals who get it. Don’t give up because you feel misunderstood. We are all here cheering you on.