Stuck

I absolutely hate cheating in relationships. My first two boyfriends cheated on me so I have a good idea what to look for if a partner is being unfaithful. But even if I didn’t have those experiences, I would still be coming to the same conclusion that my boyfriend of 4.5 years is cheating.

I have caught him in numerous lies and stories that don’t add up over the past month. We have had multiple conversations yet he sticks with his story that he isn’t cheating.

I am absolutely baffled. I genuinely feel like I don’t know what to do in this situation.

I have never had trust problems with him until recently. It keeps building on each other; one incident after another yet he refuses to come clean.

My gut tells me that he is hiding something. I’m not sure I will be able to shake this feeling.

I wish I could believe him but I can’t help but feel like it’s gaslighting and lies.

I’m willing to give him one more chance but after that, I don’t think I can be so generous anymore. I can’t be worrying myself sick thinking about where he really went, who he was really with and who actually called him this morning. I mentally can’t handle this much longer.

I can be such a doormat especially when it comes to conflict. I will succumb to whatever the other person wants most of the time because I hate fighting. I can’t let him walk all over me, I have to stand up for myself.

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A Restful Weekend

In my last post, I was very distressed with what was happening in America last week. In order to cope with it, I more or less did nothing for a while.

Thursday and Friday I barely did anything at work because my mind was so frazzled. Thankfully I had some friends to talk to which was helpful. We chatted about the latest information and speculated about what the future holds for the US.

On Saturday I had plans to grocery shop, exercise and clean. None of those things happened. Instead I did nothing which was so helpful in the long run. I snuggled with my animals while watching the anime “Yuri on Ice” which was the recipe for relaxation. When I woke up on Sunday, I felt like I could properly function again.

I usually beat myself up about “being lazy” but after seeing the positive results of it, maybe I’ve been too hard on myself in the past. I think if I would have pushed myself instead of being gentle, I would have been struggling on Sunday too.

I hope you all are well! Please stay safe especially with the inauguration protests coming up.

What the Fuck is Happening?

2021 already has been rough with increased COVID-19 cases and my own personal conflicts.

But yesterday was the worst.

My mind was spinning as I read update after update on the mindless Trump zombies who stormed the Capitol building in DC. It brought me nothing but pain but I couldn’t look away.

I was texting a couple of friends last night about everything. I asked, “where do we go from here?” None of them had an answer. None of them could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today my heart is still heavy. It is weighed down by sadness, confusion and anxiety for the future of America.

If you’re struggling like I am, what are you doing to cope with this?

This is a very short post but I wanted to get a little bit of what’s on my mind out into the world.

Reflections: My Childhood Safe Space

Growing up I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I was wearing a sweater that was too tight all of the time. It was a perpetual awkwardness that I couldn’t shake until I was in 8th grade or so. I was still shy and awkward but the imaginary sweater didn’t feel so uncomfortable.

When I was in 2nd grade my mom started dating after her and my dad got divorced. She took 2 years off then started dating this guy who had two kids, one 2 years older than me and the other 4 years older. They would all come over and that was my cue to hide in my room.

My childhood safe space away from this family I wanted to do with was my room. But within my room, I would play Britney Spears’ “Oops…I Did It Again” album on my cassette player while reading whatever book that could transport me to anywhere else.

I have a vivid memory of reading a Sailor Moon manga. I loved watching Sailor Moon so I was really happy to find the manga at my community library. I no longer was confined to the half hour episode after school, I could go on adventures with the Sailor Scouts whenever I wanted.

Instead of running around the house was kids I didn’t care for, I stayed in my room where I could enjoy the things I liked most: music and reading.

Did you have a special place you liked to go as a kid? If so, what did you do there? Do you have similar habits as an adult?

Weather Bringing Back Memories

I’m not sure if this just happens to me but has the weather ever triggered your mind to take you back to a specific memory? To a specific place and time in your life?

It’s happened to me many times in my life but most recently it happened on my walk to the office. I felt a cool autumn breeze and it quickly transported me back to my days living in Philadelphia for university. I was instantly taken back to walking around campus in the fall with my camera bag on my way home from my photography class.

Those handful of months I went to that university were some of the highlights of my life. I struggled with my depression a lot at the beginning of the semester but once I made friends, I never looked back. I was truly happy in those days. Every day was something new alongside classmates who quickly became close friends.

Sometimes the wind and sun will take me back to warm days at the beach with my mom and brother or the rain will remind me of my time spent in England. I love when these moments happen, they make me feel happy. They lift my spirits.

This is a very short post but I wanted to share this since I’ve been thinking about it quite a lot. If you’ve had this experience leave me a comment telling me about it!

Being an “Essential” Worker

I work at a non-profit that focuses on helping people who are HIV positive as well as doing prevention outreach and testing for HIV and STIs in-house. Since we are a charity that focuses on the health and wellbeing of people with compromised immune systems, we are essential.

Reflecting upon the phrase “essential worker,” I am clumped in with healthcare workers, pharmacists, scientists, grocery store staff, those in food service, etc. I don’t feel like my duties come even close to the level of importance of those groups jobs during this crisis.

I do fucking social media and marketing. My coworkers are the ones who are actually making a difference. They are delivering food to clients, checking in to make sure that they are doing alright and all these other wonderful things.

In my eyes, I am the farthest thing from an essential employee.

The only thing I feel like I have contributed is spreading the word about our mail order condoms program. It’s pretty awesome! Anybody can email us or fill out a form on our website to have a box of condoms shifted to their door.

My coworker told me that her inbox has been blowing up since my press release has ran in a few newspapers and online news sites. That made me feel good. Beyond that I feel like I’m the farthest thing from an essential employee.

Have you been working over the last month or so? If so, are you able to work from home or are you going to your place of employment? If you can’t work, are you getting by alright?

I’m Cranky

I have been feeling extra cranky, I’m not sure if it’s because of the quarantine or because I’m going to have my period soonish. Whichever the reason, my patience is thin.

Any small issue I get instantly annoyed. I came back from the grocery store and was drying off my dog after she went out into the yard in the rain. As I ran the towel over her head I sensed myself being irritated for no reason.

I said to her, “I’m feeling cranky and it’s only 10:30 a.m.”

Even writing this post I am feeling tired, angry and want to sleep so I don’t have to deal with myself.

I hate being cranky, my own crankiness annoys me which makes me more cranky. It’s a real cycle that I hate.

To nip this in the butt I am going to be easy on myself today. I won’t expect myself to do a hundred tasks, clean the house top to bottom or anything like that. I am going to care for myself so this doesn’t get worse.

Working from Home & Self Care

As of today I will be working from home for a minimum of two weeks. Since everything I need to do can be done on a computer I was naturally one of the ones to get to stay home.

It’s weird so far even though it’s only 8:30 a.m.

There’s no rush to get ready. There’s no checking the clock every 15 minutes hoping I have enough time to scoop the cat litter box because I decided to sleep in an extra 10 minutes.

During this time I hope to take the first hour and a half to 2 hours in the morning for self care. To do the things I love or things that in general would be good for me.

This morning I am writing, one of my favorite activities. I have been slacking on my blog so now is the perfect time to get back into the groove of things. I hope to be able to keep a steady stream of content during these next two weeks.

I also hope to get a little exercise when my body is feeling up to it. I have chronic lower back pain which is flaring up because of exercise I did recently. My goal is to take a short walk or work out to an exercise YouTube video.

Practicing Japanese, reading a book or making a nice breakfast are all on my list of self care that I hope to implement while I’m at home. It is the perfect opportunity to take care of areas that I have been neglecting in my regular life.

Are you working from home or off work entirely because of the virus? If so, I hope you can also take some time to care for yourself!

New Surroundings

Hello everyone! I have started my new job today and I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. I usually have enough energy to get chores done but today I absolutely could not. I plopped my ass down my the couch with my dog and watched anime.

In past posts (like this one) I’ve spoken about how I once was extroverted but now lean towards an ambivert. That I sometimes get energy from speaking to others while other times it is draining.

Today I spoke to so many people which is not what I am used to. I’m sure every day won’t be like today but I had to meet everyone in the office and have conversations with them. I was with the operations manager all day doing HR paperwork and learning the procedures and the services the organization provides its clients. So much human interaction!!

In my previous job I maybe spoke to 3 or 4 people per day. Today I had to be social which has become increasingly challenging over the years. These new coworkers seem very different from my former ones. They all wanted to chat with me, they seemed like people who know how to hold regular conversations.

The only way I could figure out how to engage with my new colleagues was to ask what their sign was. So I asked nearly everyone what their sign was because I had no idea what to say to anyone. It’s clear they are all friends so it is sometimes hard to fit in to a new work environment when that is the dynamic.

Hopefully tomorrow will involve less human interaction! Cross your fingers for me please!

House Buying Tips: Part 1

So this content is a little different from my usual mental health related ones. One of my lovely subscribers asked if I would share some tips about the home buying process since my boyfriend and I just bought a house in late August. I’m going to do things in chunks so that it’s not a ton of information at once.

Tip 1: Get Your Money Sorted

Before even starting to look at homes, you have to make sure your finances are in check. Whether it’s just you buying your house or you have a partner/spouse, figure out if you have enough saved to make a half decent downpayment. Because we were first time homebuyers, we put down 3% but typically they want you to put down 20% of the cost of the house.

We both had a few thousand dollars saved so we only had enough to do the minimum downpayment at closing. If you do 20% you don’t have to pay mortgage insurance either. We aren’t doing that because we got a really good deal.

Also consider how much of a mortgage payment you can afford now. If you are doing well with the amount fo rent you’re paying, try to find a house that would allow you to have a similar payment.

Tip 2: What do you want?

Once you begin looking at houses online (we used Trulia and Zillow) have a list of some non-negotiables you want your home to have. For us we without a doubt wanted off-street parking, a yard and central air conditioning. When you have those essentials in mind, you won’t be wasting your time looking at places that don’t work for you and your family.

Also of course the location of the home is important. We looked in four different towns in our area for homes but luckily bought ours in my favorite neighborhood in my hometown. I spent my first four years in a house two blocks away and used to work at the Wendy’s nearby (which is now sadly closed).

Tip 3: Price Range

Since you have all your money sorted, figure out your price range. We were looking at house $100,000 to $130,000. Stick to your budget, you don’t want to end up in a house you can’t afford.

Tip 4: See As Many Houses As Possible

See lots of houses. By seeing a lot of different places, you’ll get a better understanding of what is best for you and want will make you and your family happy.

Ok that’s it for this! The next post I will talk about the worst part…mortgages. GASP! The part that had me so anxious my hands were shaking on a regular basis. I got blood work done it was so bad I thought I had a thyroid issue.

I hope you found this helpful 🙂