Becoming Who I Never Wanted to Be

Ever since I was a little girl I told myself I would never become my aunt. My aunt is one of the most manipulative and lazy people in my life. I won’t bore you with any details but let’s lay the basic foundation that she sucks.

She told me that she has an almost fear of leaving the house. Her anxiety wells up in her and she stays home all of the time, only leaving to sit in the passenger’s seat of my dad’s car to pick up prescriptions at Rite Aid or lunch at McDonald’s. Any other time she’s at home.

Before quarantine was happening across the world, I already struggled with getting out of my house. Going to the gym, the grocery store, Target or wherever took so much mental strength.

Once quarantine happened I was content to be home almost all of the time except to go to the grocery store (while wearing a mask) or visit my family. This was what my anxiety had wished for! I could be home and not feel guilty about it! Yay!

But now that a lot of things are open again and though life is not totally normal, I feel like I should be leaving my house more. That I should try to go to the gym, go back to work at the office and other things but I feel like I’m stuck.

I say, “Megan, we are going to go to the health food store!” I never get there.

I say, “Megan, we are hitting the gym today!” I never even put on my sneakers.

What annoys me is I have no actual fear about going to those places. I have no reason to be anxious but the thought of leaving my safe space has become scary.

Am I slowly turning in to my aunt? Will I fast forward 10 years into the future and I’m still sat at home stricken with anxiety? Will I let life pass me by because I was too anxious to leave my f*cking house?

I don’t want to be my aunt.

Does leaving your house make you anxious? Do you have a specific fear or is it just a general feeling of anxiety? Have you been able to overcome the anxiety? If so, how?

I’m wishing you all health and contentment!

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