My suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm are back with a vengeance. I haven’t had these incredibly strong thoughts buzzing in my brain for a long time.
For months my mental health was really good, I truly felt like myself.
Don’t worry reading this, I don’t plan to act on any of my brain’s ideas. I’m doing my very best to rationalize everything. My therapist has told me to not believe every thought my brain creates because my brain tells me lies. I am seeing her tomorrow so we can talk about all of this.
My brain tells me that if I kill myself, I will make the rest of the world happier. That until I end my life, cutting is the only way that I can ease the pain of my depression.
To somebody who has never struggled with mental illness and has to fight their own brain every single day, those previous sentences probably make no sense. They make no sense to me as I read those words back to myself.
Mental illness puts us into this mindset where nothing makes any logical sense. Your brain bullies you into a corner shouting all sorts of stuff that it wants you to take as fact.
Right now, my brain is doing exactly that. I don’t know if it’s just a wave of depression or maybe my antidepressant isn’t working as well anymore.
It makes me sad knowing that this time last month I was happy. I was totally content with everything but now it has all gone to shit.
When I get into this state my therapist says to list some things that are going well and what I am looking forward to. So here it goes!
What’s going well?
– I ate 2 carrots today
– I got all my work done at work today
– I painted my nails blue
What am I looking forward to?
– Ariana Grande’s new album comes out on Feb. 8
– I think I’ll get to eat cake at work tomorrow
– Therapy tomorrow
That took me a little bit but I made it through!
I can totally relate to how twisted the mind can be when you’re not well, whether depressed OR manic. I fight off thoughts either way. When depressed it’s death, when manic it’s the fight, “No, really! I do have super human powers! I can read people, I know what they need and I can change them!”
For me every thought must be held captive and analyzed. It’s exhausting.
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It is exhausting! How are we supposed to function as normal humans while we are relentlessly fighting our minds?
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